Controlling our Kindergarten Instincts

When I was in elementary school, primal instincts and emotions ran high. If a classmate felt slighted, maybe because you took his toy or you beat her at a game, without even giving it much thought he might just walk up and punch you or slap you on your arm as 5 year olds often do.

And inevitably your response...to hit them right back. There was no thought to why your peer, maybe even your friend, hit you in the first place. You just retaliated - letting them know that there were consequences for hitting you!

Fast forward 25-30 years...and co-workers are doing the same thing to each other. Well, I hope not too many are actually physically assaulting each other, but the scenario is often quite similar. Seemingly out of the blue, someone says or does something - in an e-mail, in a meeting - that makes you feel slighted; possibly going over your head to your boss or snapping at you about something that you did or didn't do. It catches you off guard. You feel like you got punched in the stomach!

The mature thing to do is stop, breathe and then go about defusing the situation. But alas, what do most of us do...regress back to that elementary school playground and STRIKE BACK! The less subtle of us over-escalate the incident or inappropriately confront the offending party while the more coy and reserved may inconspicuously assault the person's character through the gossip mill or lay wait for the chance to undercut the offender.

I wish I could tell you the 5 ways not to take the slight personally, but I haven't figured it out for myself yet. Emotions are hard to control, but your reactions to those emotions must be kept under control. You've got to choose to be an adult and employ your learned behaviors (over your innate primate behavior):
(1) Stop - don't follow your first instinct to pounce
(2) Breathe - let better judgment overpower your welling emotions
(3) Ponder - consider what actually happened and your possible role in creating the situation
(4) Seek counsel - an OBJECTIVE party (not an instigator...you know who they are!)
(5) Fix it - execute the plan with love (or at least with respect)...not malice

While 5 year olds are incredibly cute, they should not be our model for adult human interactions. Control those primal impulses when dealing with your co-workers to yield less hurt feelings, less DRAMA and better outcomes for all.